If you have the attention span of a gnat with down’s syndrome, don’t bother reading this.
In the wake of Hulkageddon, I am left with an amused smirk on my face, and with a newfound dislike for humanity at large. Now, let’s not pretend I like the human race prior of course, I’m too old and too smart to fall for the “people are nice” scam. People aren’t nice, but there is different kinds of being not nice, it’s a gradient of of not-niceness that goes all the way from people who are scum but manage to pretend they are not completely self-absorbed assholes, to people who are just visibly, audibly and tangibly not nice people.
I don’t like people very much. This is not the reason I am a pirate in EVE however.
EVE to me is an amusing past time, it’s a game, it’s a pastime that offers a diversion from the rat race of day to day life.
What it is not is a virtual life to be lived in the mind-crushing blandness that pervades your every other waking moment.
Let us observe the carebear, we all see the carebear almost every time we log into EVE, but we never consider the carebear. The carebear does not play the game I do, the carebear is repeating the motions of his mundane life, in the far-flung space future of New Eden. He is diligent, he is productive, he is fucking boring as shit.
I hate the carebear.
I mean I really, really hate the carebear. But that is not why I created Hulkageddon.
The amazing thing is, I socialize with various “scumbags” in EVE on a daily basis, they are by and large;- Funny, sociable, entertaining, inventive and Frightfully intelligence. If you pull one over on one of them they will call you a dick and it’s all good.
If you screw over a carebear, you get to see the profound, deeply disturbed nature, of mental disorders. Nothing, NOTHING I have ever seen on the internet is as incredibly comedic as the ANGER of a carebear that got screwed somehow. You will never see full-blown, foaming at the mouth anger, like that of the carebear.
And I hate them for it, I hate how they are too fucking stupid too fucking conditioned by their spineless day to day lives to accept any responsibility for anything that happens to them. It’s part of the New American Way.
It’s never your fault.
It’s Helicity Boson! It’s CCP! It’s all the -10s!
It’s not MY fault I’m too fucking stupid to look at local or my overview. I can’t be expected to care for my own safety in this Player-versus-player video game.
FUCK YOU. Fuck you up your flaccid asshole with a baseball bat. Is that how you live your ACTUAL life? Do you cry to the government because gasoline prices are up? Do you even understand that the fact your government SUCKS is because YOU SUCK. You elected them afterall.
“Yeah but I didn’t vote for these guys”
“But there is no good politicians to vote for”
FUCK YOU. That’s your fucking responsability. Especially to my american friends; If you think your government is fucking you over, and there is no honest politician to elect left, why don’t you TAKE those goddamned firearms and DO something about it. Afterall, that is why you claim to have the right to bear them. Fuck.
And it’s this same mental disability that filters into our online games, this complete inability to grasp WHY you are being ganked/scammed/bullied. It’s because you are a victim. And Bad People like me, we can smell you. You smell like food. And we know you will not fight back, because you are too goddamned lazy to even CONSIDER it. And that is why you will always be a victim.
You don’t blame the lion for eating the zebra.
And when we get the carebear, you get to watch his rising anger. Deep inside he is mad at himself, because in there somewhere, below a pile of dollar-bills, half digested tasteless TV dinners is the vestigal remnants of a human soul, trying so hard to change things. And then a glass of pepsi drowns out the noise.
“Fuck you pirate! you are a fucking psychopath! You are a stupid moron! I hate you and I want you to die.”
And with that, I’ve just been wished to death for the 436th time by someone who is angry with themselves but cannot admit it. And I’m the psycho.
After a while of course, you get used to that, the initial shock and disbelief at such incredible stupidity gives way to interest. Anyone that knows me will attest, I am an insatiably curious person. I NEED to KNOW shit.
It’s not an optional thing, I will sit through fucking horrible movies JUST BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW. I will play terrible video games to see the ending. I voluntarily read the fucking Illiad.
And it is with this same interest, the same motivation of the child pulling the wings off the fly, that I pick at the psychology of the carebear. I don’t understand these people, I can’t understand why someone would mine all day, I need to know.
So I do horrible, immoral, evil shit to them just to hear the sound of their squeeling. I do comparative analysis of what kind of mocking or activity makes them the maddest, I want to see what name to call their mother in reply to their hatemail to get the best rage-filled rant in my mailbox. It’s a smorgasbord, a cornucopia, of diseased minds out there, ripe for the poking.
Of course what I’m doing is not really evil or immoral, from where I sit, it’s still pixels on a screen. They have no value past the value people assign to it. But the game has changed, there are now pieces on the board, they make sound if you squeeze them, and the sound is different every time.
It’s like an 80-90’s boardgame with a giant plastic tiki-god with a voice chip that says something in a grainy voice every time you push the button! It’s glorious, it’s fantastic, it’s a look into what happens when you make a human mind do the same thing it does every day, that is to say, perform a boring repetitive job, and you obstruct it, and there is no normal social inhibition to stop the mind from showing it’s REAL response.
During the run-up to HAGII I received a comment on the blog, it compared me to various historical figures, each responsible for countless atrocities. That in itself is kind of flattering, though I’m afraid I must admit I do not yet have the resources to round up and gas a random ethnic group purely for my own amusement. We’re working on it.
No, the stunning thing here, is that I was compared to Adolph Hitler AND Joseph Stalin at the SAME TIME.
The more astute and historically inclined amongst you will see why this juxtaposition is incredibly funny.
For the more stupid and uneducated amongst you (I hate you), that is like saying I am like an apple and an orange at the same time. They are both Fruit, but VERY DIFFERENT kinds of fruit.
Moreover, they are mutually exclusive kinds of fruit. If it’s an apple. it can’t be an orange.
And that, my friends, is what actually made me mad about EVE for the very first time.
If you are too fucking retarded, not to realize, the two simple facts that:
- Ganking in a video game IS NOT EQUAL to the genocide of 6 million jews.
- Hitler and Stalin ARE NOT compatible with eachother in any way or form.
Then I hate your guts, and you should be fucking reading a book instead of destroying your remaining braincells staring at a mining laser or Worlds Collide 4.
WHAT THE CHRIST MAN? Life is too short to waste it like that, have some fucking fun, don’t play a game to perform a task more boring than flipping burgers, a task so SHITTY most people aren’t even at the keyboard to perform it!?
But if you say that, what happens NEXT is really going to blow your mind. You see, now you have insulted “their way of life”. Way of life? YOU HAVE NO LIFE YOU DUMB COCKSUCKER.
And when you even imply, in a rational and friendly manner that maybe they could change their behaviour slightly, to improve their own chances in the game. Well… you get called hitler by angry space nuns belonging to a make-believe-unrecognized-religion, and some other WalMart employee wishes Bowel Cancer on you.
You are all psychotic aspergers sufferers. Seek. professional. help.
And then there is people like Zill. Zill is an old character by EVE standards, sold at least twice to new owners, hasn’t killed anything since 2005. Zill stalks me on the forum, I am his chosen nemesis, he likes to do everything he can to make it seem like I am somehow not intelligent, or socially disturbed. This, of course, coming from a person that bought a 5-year old character to sit in a newbie corp telling stories of “the old days” that he never witnessed in person.
The mind boggles.
And after that there comes the sycophants and the copycats. “Hey helicity do freightergeddon next!” “Hey Helicity do haulergeddon next!” “hey helicity to jitageddon next”.
I’ll do your fucking mom next you goddamned mouthbreathing piece of shit.
Can’t you think of your OWN thing to do? You don’t need me. I’m not a nintendo, you don’t swap my cartridge and watch a different ship type die. Fuck you man, fuck you and your uninspired dim-witted mind. I didn’t fucking invent suicide ganking. All I did was put it in an accessibly and entertaining format for people to enjoy. Christ.
Go make a scavenger hunt or a race or do something other than asking me to do shit FOR you.
Mynxee said it best, the only people that get bored in EVE are boring people. And it’s true, there is always a metric shitton of stuff you could go do, all it takes is the Will to just go out and DO IT.
But coming back to Zill, he is an example of a different breed of person I hate. The Denier.
The Denier is a person that will look at something you have achieved, and then use every broken rationale to try to prove it was not good or important. “You accomplished nothing!” “You don’t dare fight things that shoot back” “You’re too scared to live in low-sec”
Guess where I live in EVE you shitsticks.
The reason behind this is jealousy, you will find these people wherever you go in life, and so you find them in EVE. These are people who have no ideas, who cannot enjoy themselves, and they HATE anyone that accomplishes anything of note, or has a large amount of fun. They are jealous, they cannot stand someone else to receive attention. They turn green like martians and take to their keyboard, typing with furious intensity, their falsehoods and denials of who you are. Because that is what they want to do, they don’t want to deny what you DID or what you THOUGHT, they want to deny YOU. Because there is no room in their world for you, your fun, your accomplishments.
I hate people like that. They are subhuman scumsuckers, they are one of the few people I hope die before they procreate before their malodorous semen magically conceives a NEW generation of douchebag.
But, I still haven’t said why I play EVE, or why I made Hulkageddon…
Because it’s fucking fun.
And now that I know I can piss you off with everything I do, and that you seethe in anger every time someone says “Hey man, cool event”. Now, I have an even better game. It’s making you miserable, it’s making you HAVE to be responsible for at least something in you miserable shitty life.
I love it. And I’m going for the highscore motherfucker.
Me, and all of my 837 cool friends, we’re going to push your shit in with baseball bats, and we are going to love every feces-covered moment of it.
I am one of your Devils, New Eden. And I am a happy smiling motherfucker about now 🙂