How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways…


If you have the attention span of a gnat with down’s syndrome, don’t bother reading this.

In the wake of Hulkageddon, I am left with an amused smirk on my face, and with a newfound dislike for humanity at large. Now, let’s not pretend I like the human race prior of course, I’m too old and too smart to fall for the “people are nice” scam. People aren’t nice, but there is different kinds of being not nice, it’s a gradient of of not-niceness that goes all the way from people who are scum but manage to pretend they are not completely self-absorbed assholes, to people who are just visibly, audibly and tangibly not nice people.

I don’t like people very much. This is not the reason I am a pirate in EVE however.

EVE to me is an amusing past time, it’s a game, it’s a pastime that offers a diversion from the rat race of day to day life.
What it is not is a virtual life to be lived in the mind-crushing blandness that pervades your every other waking moment.

Let us observe the carebear, we all see the carebear almost every time we log into EVE, but we never consider the carebear. The carebear does not play the game I do, the carebear is repeating the motions of his mundane life, in the far-flung space future of New Eden. He is diligent, he is productive, he is fucking boring as shit.

I hate the carebear.

I mean I really, really hate the carebear. But that is not why I created Hulkageddon.

The amazing thing is, I socialize with various “scumbags” in EVE on a daily basis, they are by and large;- Funny, sociable, entertaining, inventive and Frightfully intelligence. If you pull one over on one of them they will call you a dick and it’s all good.

If you screw over a carebear, you get to see the profound, deeply disturbed nature, of mental disorders. Nothing, NOTHING I have ever seen on the internet is as incredibly comedic as the ANGER of a carebear that got screwed somehow. You will never see full-blown, foaming at the mouth anger, like that of the carebear.

And I hate them for it, I hate how they are too fucking stupid too fucking conditioned by their spineless day to day lives to accept any responsibility  for anything that happens to them. It’s part of the New American Way.

It’s never your fault.

It’s Helicity Boson! It’s CCP! It’s all the -10s!

It’s not MY fault I’m too fucking stupid to look at local or my overview. I can’t be expected to care for my own safety in this Player-versus-player video game.

FUCK YOU. Fuck you up your flaccid asshole with a baseball bat. Is that how you live your ACTUAL life? Do you cry to the government because gasoline prices are up? Do you even understand that the fact your government SUCKS is because YOU SUCK. You elected them afterall.

“Yeah but I didn’t vote for these guys” 
“But there is no good politicians to vote for”

FUCK YOU. That’s your fucking responsability. Especially to my american friends; If you think your government is fucking you over, and there is no honest politician to elect left, why don’t you TAKE those goddamned firearms and DO something about it. Afterall, that is why you claim to have the right to bear them. Fuck.

And it’s this same mental disability that filters into our online games, this complete inability to grasp WHY you are being ganked/scammed/bullied. It’s because you are a victim. And Bad People like me, we can smell you. You smell like food. And we know you will not fight back, because you are too goddamned lazy to even CONSIDER it. And that is why you will always be a victim.

You don’t blame the lion for eating the zebra.

And when we get the carebear, you get to watch his rising anger. Deep inside he is mad at himself, because in there somewhere, below a pile of dollar-bills, half digested tasteless TV dinners is the vestigal remnants of a human soul, trying so hard to change things. And then a glass of pepsi drowns out the noise.

“Fuck you pirate! you are a fucking psychopath! You are a stupid moron! I hate you and I want you to die.”

And with that, I’ve just been wished to death for the 436th time by someone who is angry with themselves but cannot admit it. And I’m the psycho.

After a while of course, you get used to that, the initial shock and disbelief at such incredible stupidity gives way to interest. Anyone that knows me will attest, I am an insatiably curious person. I NEED to KNOW shit.

It’s not an optional thing, I will sit through fucking horrible movies JUST BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW. I will play terrible video games to see the ending. I voluntarily read the fucking Illiad.

And it is with this same interest, the same motivation of the child pulling the wings off the fly, that I pick at the psychology of the carebear. I don’t understand these people, I can’t understand why someone would mine all day, I need to know.

So I do horrible, immoral, evil shit to them just to hear the sound of their squeeling. I do comparative analysis of what kind of mocking or activity makes them the maddest, I want to see what name to call their mother in reply to their hatemail to get the best rage-filled rant in my mailbox. It’s a smorgasbord, a cornucopia, of diseased minds out there, ripe for the poking.

Of course what I’m doing is not really evil or immoral, from where I sit, it’s still pixels on a screen. They have no value past the value people assign to it. But the game has changed, there are now pieces on the board, they make sound if you squeeze them, and the sound is different every time.

It’s like an 80-90’s boardgame with a giant plastic tiki-god with a voice chip that says something in a grainy voice every time you push the button! It’s glorious, it’s fantastic, it’s a look into what happens when you make a human mind do the same thing it does every day, that is to say, perform a boring repetitive  job, and you obstruct it, and there is no normal social inhibition to stop the mind from showing it’s REAL response.

During the run-up to HAGII I received a comment on the blog, it compared me to various historical figures, each responsible for countless atrocities. That in itself is kind of flattering, though I’m afraid I must admit I do not yet have the resources to round up and gas a random ethnic group purely for my own amusement. We’re working on it.

No, the stunning thing here, is that I was compared to Adolph Hitler AND Joseph Stalin at the SAME TIME.

The more astute and historically inclined amongst you will see why this juxtaposition is incredibly funny.

For the more stupid and uneducated amongst you (I hate you), that is like saying I am like an apple and an orange at the same time. They are both Fruit, but VERY DIFFERENT kinds of fruit.
Moreover, they are mutually exclusive kinds of fruit. If it’s an apple. it can’t be an orange.

And that, my friends, is what actually made me mad about EVE for the very first time.

If you are too fucking retarded, not to realize, the two simple facts that:

  • Ganking in a video game IS NOT EQUAL to the genocide of 6 million jews.
  • Hitler and Stalin ARE NOT compatible with eachother in any way or form.

Then I hate your guts, and you should be fucking reading a book instead of destroying your remaining braincells staring at a mining laser or Worlds Collide 4.
WHAT THE CHRIST MAN? Life is too short to waste it like that, have some fucking fun, don’t play a game to perform a task more boring than flipping burgers, a task so SHITTY most people aren’t even at the keyboard to perform it!?

But if you say that, what happens NEXT is really going to blow your mind. You see, now you have insulted “their way of life”. Way of life? YOU HAVE NO LIFE YOU DUMB COCKSUCKER.
And when you even imply, in  a rational and friendly manner that maybe they could change their behaviour slightly, to improve their own chances in the game. Well… you get called hitler by angry space nuns belonging to a make-believe-unrecognized-religion, and some other WalMart employee wishes Bowel Cancer on you.

You are all psychotic aspergers sufferers. Seek. professional. help.

And then there is people like Zill. Zill is an old character by EVE standards, sold at least twice to new owners, hasn’t killed anything since 2005. Zill stalks me on the forum, I am his chosen nemesis, he likes to do everything he can to make it seem like I am somehow not intelligent, or socially disturbed. This, of course, coming from a person that bought a 5-year old character to sit in a newbie corp telling stories of “the old days” that he never witnessed in person.

The mind boggles.

And after that there comes the sycophants and the copycats. “Hey helicity do freightergeddon next!” “Hey Helicity do haulergeddon next!” “hey helicity to jitageddon next”.

I’ll do your fucking mom next you goddamned mouthbreathing piece of shit.

Can’t you think of your OWN thing to do? You don’t need me. I’m not a nintendo, you don’t swap my cartridge and watch a different ship type die. Fuck you man, fuck you and your uninspired dim-witted mind. I didn’t fucking invent suicide ganking. All I did was put it in an accessibly and entertaining format for people to enjoy. Christ.

Go make a scavenger hunt or a race or do something other than asking me to do shit FOR you.

Mynxee said it best, the only people that get bored in EVE are boring people. And it’s true, there is always a metric shitton of stuff you could go do, all it takes is the Will to just go out and DO IT.

But coming back to Zill, he is an example of a different breed of person I hate. The Denier.

The Denier is a person that will look at something you have achieved, and then use every broken rationale to try to prove it was not good or important. “You accomplished nothing!” “You don’t dare fight things that shoot back” “You’re too scared to live in low-sec”

Guess where I live in EVE you shitsticks.

The reason behind this is jealousy, you will find these people wherever you go in life, and so you find them in EVE. These are people who have no ideas, who cannot enjoy themselves, and they HATE anyone that accomplishes anything of note, or has a large amount of fun. They are jealous, they cannot stand someone else to receive attention. They turn green like martians and take to their keyboard, typing with furious intensity, their falsehoods and denials of who you are. Because that is what they want to do, they don’t want to deny what you DID or what you THOUGHT, they want to deny YOU. Because there is no room in their world for you, your fun, your accomplishments.

I hate people like that. They are subhuman scumsuckers, they are one of the few people I hope die before they procreate before their malodorous semen magically conceives a NEW generation of douchebag.

But, I still haven’t said why I play EVE, or why I made Hulkageddon…

Because it’s fucking fun.

And now that I know I can piss you off with everything I do, and that you seethe in anger every time someone says “Hey man, cool event”. Now, I have an even better game. It’s making you miserable, it’s making you HAVE to be responsible for at least something in you miserable shitty life.

I love it. And I’m going for the highscore motherfucker.

Me, and all of my 837 cool friends, we’re going to push your shit in with baseball bats, and we are going to love every feces-covered moment of it.

I am one of your Devils, New Eden. And I am a happy smiling motherfucker about now 🙂

76 thoughts on “How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways…

  1. My subscription caught a comment you've apparently since deleted. One in where you called me an idiot, apparently for sharing your dislike of the reference to Hitler and Stalin. But now that entire thread of the conversation is gone. We managed to have an earlier discussion where we disagreed, but managed to keep it civil. Why the insult when I was actually agreeing with you, and why then silently delete that entire branch of conversation?

    • mostly, I replied to the wrong person, and when i tried to fix is nuked the whole thing by mistake :X

  2. lol

    You don't half sound like a whiny self important fuck. Just saying.

    Kudos on hulkageddon though.

  3. "Hitler and Stalin ARE NOT compatible with each other in any way or form."

    OK, let me set you straight here, Helicity.

    Adolf (born 20 April 1889) is an Aries and Joe (born 18 December 1878) is a Sagittarius. When Aries and Sagittarius get together it can be a match made in heaven!

    Adolf presented himself publicly as a man without a domestic life, dedicated entirely to his political mission. Now we all know when someone says that it's bullshit. Since he lived in a time and worked for aa cause that was anti-homosexual the inescapable conclusion is that he was a raging bender. Further proof lies in the fact he organised parades of muscly men to walk past him.

    Joe was a Russian and we all know what they're like after three bottles of vodka. He also liked parades. Stalin's son attempted suicide because of something his father did… think we can guess what went on there! Joe was bi.

    So romance was possible but to analyse why it didn't work out we need to look at the sequence of events and consider the feelings of both men.

    They started brightly, agreeing to share Poland, a warm-hearted and romantic gesture I think we can all agree. Then when Joe's guard was down Adolf attempted to take him from behind. This, as most of us know from experience, is a real no-no when you're dating someone. This tragedy could have been averted with better sex education videos in Adolf's school when he was a kid.

    The couple were unable to reconcile their differences. This is because relationship guidance counselling was in its infancy in those days – with modern methods there is no doubt the couple could have found happiness in each other again.

    So in conclusion they WERE compatible but their relationship failed because of a lack of certain key support services – homosexuality awareness campaigners, progressive educationalists and relationship guidance counsellors. Yes my friend, history's greatest tragedy was caused by a lack of carebears.

    Don't let this happen again! Hug a carebear today!

    • Bitlebrow

      Brilliant. 🙂

  4. Divaere Frenian

    How fitting. Last night I shot a coercer ratting in low sec. This is the PC I got (censorship is mine)
    Him: You're a f-ing a-hole
    Him: WTF do you think you are doing?!?!?!?!?!
    Me: Shooting your ship?
    Him: You’re a c-word
    Him: Don’t worry six low sec ships are coming your way
    Him: You’re a pr**k

    Later, a mate of mine and I engage a flashy red Ranis and my mate melts. He gives many GFs in local, and we proceed to then setup a roam with said flashy red for tonight, becacuse we had so much fun getting blown up by him.

    So a real example of the bizarre dichotomy you're discussing above.

  5. Freightergeddon

    “Hey helicity do freightergeddon next!”

    Freightergeddon was a scam, but the tears I got from it because it would "[disrupt non-carebears]" were golden.

  6. Eucleides

    Oh man, Hel, nice read mate! *sigh* I'd call myself a carebear at the moment. My old corp did nullsec and FW, but i got bored cuz I don't have the best of skills for pvp and just kept running around in frigs. However, I am actually getting REALLY pumped for when I get back into the game (taking hiatuses during the school years). Come May, I'll do a little missioning, train skills up, then go try some lo-sec pirating. There's always that initial draw-back when you lose a ship of "Dammit! I'm dead!" but you get over it. Move on, and go back to doing your thing. The adrenaline rush when PvPing, and how tight-knit lo-sec-ers seem to be, is why I want to try again. If you're ever looking for recruits, I'd be happy to join, get some pointers maybe.
    Keep it up, mate! Fly safe!(or not…your choice i guess :P)

  7. Zarquon

    Wow… what a load of self-justification for being a bully.

    Carebear2k has it right — for some of us, our lives are damn busy and we just want a chance to relax, to build some stuff, or maybe run the markets and play tycoon.

    If you want to PVP, then by all means go to 0.0 and have at. Lots of folks who are looking for the same sort of thing for you to go play with. Hell, throw out a can and offer a challenge and have at.

    Hunting down someone in a belt who is just trying to relax and screwing with him is just picking on someone you know (or at least think) will not fight back so you can screw up their day and thus feel good about yourself. I suspect there is a fair amount of "my life sucks so I will make your life suck" involved.

    Most people who are a**holes on the Internet do it because they get crapped on by life and use the Internet to attack someone else with no fear of retribution so they can feel significant. It certainly sounds like you fall into that category.

    I think the person you hate most is yourself.

  8. […] Pirates and other PVPers need the folks they call “carebears“. Who else will produce their ships and modules and ammo and drones? Who else will buy the loot they pick up from their enemies’ wrecks so that they have ISK for new equipment and other fees? […]

  9. Podded


    Carebear tears sustain me, I must milk carebears for their tears or I will cease to exist.

  10. Oldmanstar

    So much rage…

    I personally enjoy many facets of EVE (well, except mining) including many of the carebear pastimes such as tech 1, tech 2, and tech 3 production, group pve, and trading. I also enjoy corp theft, scamming, sucide-ganking, piracy, low-sec pvp in general, null-sec roams (not fleet fights k thanks), and solo pvp of all forms.

    I really don’t “get” the people who have a problem with other people’s playstyle whatever that is. (Including you Helicty lol) But I really don’t get people who get upset over pixels. I have had hundreds of millions stolen from me in an investment scam, been betrayed by corporation leadership (multiple times), been sucide-ganked, had my mission ship obliterated by wardeccers, and lost countless pvp ships in unfair fights with ECM, neutral logi, and/or supercapitals.

    In my view, it’s all been a lot of fun. I can’t remember a time in EVE when I felt more than mild frustration at my own stupidity. I don’t get angry at people for stabbing me in the back, I just stab them in the back in return. In my view, it’s all part of this game EVE. Getting angry just makes a fun game less fun. That’s my two cents.

  11. […] Helicity Boson wrote a very long, interesting article concerning Carebears and why he hates them.  It’s a good read as well as the community response.  Yes, if you are sensing a Google shared item for the blog posts, your right.  Read the entire collection! […]

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